Behind my Back
My little girl is a reader (any of you who have met her are nodding your heads at this point). Since I am a librarian I supply her with a never-ending stream of library books (the Italian once looked at the bag of books I brought home from work and asked "did you leave any books for anyone else?")
I make it a policy to not interfere too much with what she reads. I occasionally try to get her to read slightly longer, more complex books, but if she wants to read large quantities of short chapter books I don't get in her way. Reading is a skill that needs to be practiced and to some extent it doesn't matter what they read, as long as they are reading.
There have been two instances when I have not let her read something. The first was the day she brought home a "Mary-Kate and Ashley" book from the library. I read the first page and decided it was the moral equivalent of Fluff'n'Nutter and told her to find something else. This was at least a year ago.
The second time was more recently. The kids had expressed an interest in the Harry Potter books and I decided they would be a good read-aloud series. For many months this was our bedtime reading. Both kids seemed to enjoy the books; Buddy would occasionally look at a Lego catalog while I read, but he is four and his attention span wasn't always up to the challenge. We read the first three books and got partway through the fourth, at which point Punkin got impatient with the slow pace and finished the last three hundred pages one day while we were in Massachusetts this summer.
I tried to continue to read from this book at bedtime but Buddy decided he wasn't interested and Punkin had already read it so we moved on to something else. The next day, before I'd had a chance to talk to her about it, I found Punkin sitting and reading book 5 in the series (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix). I had already decided that we were going to have to stop at this point in the series and wait a little while before we read any more. (If you haven't read these books at this point Harry is 15 and dealing with many challenging issues, not the least of which is a teacher who forces him to write lines in his arm as punishment for breaking the rules.) It seemed like things were getting a bit intense for a third grader.
Punkin objected, of course, but didn't really press the issue. This was in August, and I haven't given it much thought since. We read one of the Lemony Snicket books and are now reading By the Great Horn Spoon, which is especially fun since we went up to Sacramento for a little sight-seeing at the end of the summer and this book takes place during the California Gold Rush.
Fast forward to this evening - Back to School Night at Punkin's school. The Italian and I went, sat through several presentations and got a chance to chat with Punkin's teacher (a thoroughly pleasant young woman.) We chatted for a minute about Punkin and I said something about how much she reads. The teacher said "oh yes, I can hardly tear her away from the Harry Potter book she's reading!"
At which point proud mama disappeared and irritated mama appeared. I tried to keep a poker face, although I think I did a poor job of it. I hope her teacher doesn't end up thinking that I'm one of those uber-controlling moms, because I'm generally not.
After picking the kids up from the friend who was watching them I managed to wait until we were home and getting ready for bed. I asked Punkin if she was reading a Harry Potter book at school, and she said yes. I asked her which book, and she said book 5. I thought it was fair to at least establish the facts.
I tried to be calm, and I think I was. (Tensions were running high because Buddy was having a screaming melt-down about something with his dad in the next room). I was brushing Punkin's hair and her face was buried against my chest. I talked to her about not doing things behind my back, about my reasons for asking her not to read that book, and how I would prefer if she talk to me about things instead of doing an end-run around me. At which point I discovered that she was crying. Made me feel like a cad.
We talked a little bit more about how she could have handled the issue differently, I told her she should try to make the case and find some other solution. I really stressed that I didn't want her going behind my back about things, that I wanted her to talk to me about things like this and try to find a solution together.
She cheered up a bit, although I think she really understood that I was disappointed and she didn't like the way that made her feel. I hope I struck the right balance.
This parenting business is hard.
I make it a policy to not interfere too much with what she reads. I occasionally try to get her to read slightly longer, more complex books, but if she wants to read large quantities of short chapter books I don't get in her way. Reading is a skill that needs to be practiced and to some extent it doesn't matter what they read, as long as they are reading.
There have been two instances when I have not let her read something. The first was the day she brought home a "Mary-Kate and Ashley" book from the library. I read the first page and decided it was the moral equivalent of Fluff'n'Nutter and told her to find something else. This was at least a year ago.
The second time was more recently. The kids had expressed an interest in the Harry Potter books and I decided they would be a good read-aloud series. For many months this was our bedtime reading. Both kids seemed to enjoy the books; Buddy would occasionally look at a Lego catalog while I read, but he is four and his attention span wasn't always up to the challenge. We read the first three books and got partway through the fourth, at which point Punkin got impatient with the slow pace and finished the last three hundred pages one day while we were in Massachusetts this summer.
I tried to continue to read from this book at bedtime but Buddy decided he wasn't interested and Punkin had already read it so we moved on to something else. The next day, before I'd had a chance to talk to her about it, I found Punkin sitting and reading book 5 in the series (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix). I had already decided that we were going to have to stop at this point in the series and wait a little while before we read any more. (If you haven't read these books at this point Harry is 15 and dealing with many challenging issues, not the least of which is a teacher who forces him to write lines in his arm as punishment for breaking the rules.) It seemed like things were getting a bit intense for a third grader.
Punkin objected, of course, but didn't really press the issue. This was in August, and I haven't given it much thought since. We read one of the Lemony Snicket books and are now reading By the Great Horn Spoon, which is especially fun since we went up to Sacramento for a little sight-seeing at the end of the summer and this book takes place during the California Gold Rush.
Fast forward to this evening - Back to School Night at Punkin's school. The Italian and I went, sat through several presentations and got a chance to chat with Punkin's teacher (a thoroughly pleasant young woman.) We chatted for a minute about Punkin and I said something about how much she reads. The teacher said "oh yes, I can hardly tear her away from the Harry Potter book she's reading!"
At which point proud mama disappeared and irritated mama appeared. I tried to keep a poker face, although I think I did a poor job of it. I hope her teacher doesn't end up thinking that I'm one of those uber-controlling moms, because I'm generally not.
After picking the kids up from the friend who was watching them I managed to wait until we were home and getting ready for bed. I asked Punkin if she was reading a Harry Potter book at school, and she said yes. I asked her which book, and she said book 5. I thought it was fair to at least establish the facts.
I tried to be calm, and I think I was. (Tensions were running high because Buddy was having a screaming melt-down about something with his dad in the next room). I was brushing Punkin's hair and her face was buried against my chest. I talked to her about not doing things behind my back, about my reasons for asking her not to read that book, and how I would prefer if she talk to me about things instead of doing an end-run around me. At which point I discovered that she was crying. Made me feel like a cad.
We talked a little bit more about how she could have handled the issue differently, I told her she should try to make the case and find some other solution. I really stressed that I didn't want her going behind my back about things, that I wanted her to talk to me about things like this and try to find a solution together.
She cheered up a bit, although I think she really understood that I was disappointed and she didn't like the way that made her feel. I hope I struck the right balance.
This parenting business is hard.
posted by Marie at 9:52 PM
3 Comments:
BTDT. The compromise we ended up with was we talk about every book she reads. I had to accept that even the books she had to read for school were often not the sort I would prefer. Talking about them meant she did learn a LOT of stuff at an early age, but she listens to what I say and vice versa and it has worked well.
The going behind your back? Totally unacceptable, but it will take a few different lessons for her to realize that being up front hurts less -- I think you handled the situation beautifully.
See you in the afternoon. --syl
Wow. Yes, knowing you, you handled it beautifully. It sounds like P already knew she was doing something wrong, and was probably in that "burying it" phase - where the longer it goes on, the worse you think the consequences will be. Your gentle touch probably was the hugest relief in the world.
She's at the age where she is testing the limits. Did you really mean "no" when you said it? Talking about and giving her reasons *now* about why you asked her not to read those books will make more sense to her than when you originally told her no.
We've been there and done that too with The Dork. Discussing the issue of trust has been an ongoing series of lessons.
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